


I Feel Your Pain

by telwo



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Beta Read, a lot of the other characters are only in it for about ten seconds, because the world needs more of those
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 10:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6562855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telwo/pseuds/telwo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where any injuries inflicted on your soulmate appear on you in a different colour</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tsukiyama learns about soulmates when he is eight, and an angry black hand-print has appeared on his shoulder. He had gone rushing to Matsumae as soon as he’d noticed; maybe she or one of the other servants had put it there as a joke while he slept. The shock in her eyes had told a very different story.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

She’d shaken her head hurriedly. “No, nothing’s wrong Shuu-sama. It would be a good idea if we showed this to your papa though, shall we go and find him?”

He had frowned. “Isn’t he asleep? It’s late.”

Matsumae had taken his hand and guided him gently towards the master bedroom. “I don’t think that he will mind waking up for this. It is quite important after all.”

Mirumo hadn’t been angry, not until much later. In fact he’d seemed happy if anything. He’d explained that the mark was special, that it meant Shuu had a soulmate. Soulmates’ injuries will appear on each other in a different colour. Not many people who had soulmates ended up meeting them, so Shuu shouldn’t get his hopes up too much, but if the colour was darker, as his was, then they were more likely to meet. He’d been ushered back to his room with a huge grin on his face.

It was a few years, and quite a few more hand-prints and bruise shapes later, when Mirumo became angry. Shuu hadn’t been supposed to overhear, but he had been passing by the kitchen when he noticed the enraged muttering.

“It must be one of the poor child’s parents. Honestly, it’s completely disgusting. The first hand-print or two I could have written off as discipline. Not something that I can say that I approve of, but if the child was particularly unruly then perhaps I could understand to a certain degree. But some of those latest bruises look like punches; hard ones too.” There was a sigh, “I’m not imagining it, am I Mario? It could just be from their parents training them I suppose.”

“I’m afraid not Mirumo-sama. They certainly look similar, and for that many to appear at once, well, it definitely looks deliberate. If it was training, wouldn’t there be more on the arms and legs? I know it depends on what type they are, but none of the marks that I’ve seen look as though they’re from a kagune.”

“It wasn’t just me imagining it then? Grief, I hope that they heal quickly. It’s vile, isn’t it? To think that a parent would stoop low enough to beat their own child. Honestly, I could have sworn that the latest one on his stomach looked as if it was from a kick. I don’t know who they are, but I’m worried for them, what if this gets worse?”

Shuu had crept past the door, hoping that they hadn’t heard him. So that was it. As much as he was glad of it normally, the bruises were quite easy to hide. What if it was because his soulmate’s parents were being sneaky about it? He couldn’t even fathom his father doing something like that to him. True, he frequently got bruises in training, but they never hurt too badly. They were never too deliberate either, not unless he hadn’t dodged in time. And his father was always very sympathetic about it afterwards.

His soulmate didn’t have anyone like that. If their parents were like that, they must have felt so alone. He wanted to help them. So he had come back to the kitchen later, after lights out. He’d managed to avoid running into anyone, and he was hoping that he wouldn’t. They probably wouldn’t have been overly enthusiastic about what he was going to do.

Tsukiyama slipped a knife from the block on the counter, which he could just about reach without a chair, and gritted his teeth. He scratched a few hesitant lines across his wrist, to get his soulmates attention. They healed almost instantly, which was no end of annoying. He’d have to carve a little deeper for what he had in mind.

Holding his arm above the sink, he pressed the knife into it. He didn’t want anything too drastic, but it needed to last long enough for his soulmate to notice it.

_It will be ok_

It wasn’t much, but he hoped that they saw it.

֎

Tsukiyama has resigned himself to the fact that he will probably never be able to have a proper relationship with his soulmate by the time he’s an adult. It breaks his heart, after all he’s always been a hopeless romantic, but it would undoubtedly be a terrible idea.

 Just his luck that they would be human. He’d been internally denying the fact for years, but they healed so slowly that he couldn’t draw any other conclusion. Not that ghoul human relationships hadn’t happened in the past, but they were rare, and most ended tragically. Some ghouls had been known to eat their soulmates in a fit of hunger, not realizing what they had done until it was too late. That was if their humans didn’t just turn them straight into the CCG, which they were actively encouraged to do. This was nearly always the case, and it sickened him. _How could someone give away their other half so callously?_ It was this thought that made him feel better about gouging various human’s organs out.

He wasn’t sure quite when he had become quite so high profile, but apparently the CCG had dubbed him ‘ _the gourmet’_. Not necessarily what he would have chosen for himself, but it was better than the nicknames that some of the others had been saddled with. He was of course incredibly thankful that they had decided on the code name before he had gotten to that assemblyman. He had mentioned this to Hori (human but thankfully not his soulmate) who had laughed, then spent the rest of the day coming up with rude names.

֎

When it comes to the matter of Kaneki, Tsukiyama has to admit that he has been nothing short of spectacularly stupid.

In complete fairness, it would have been difficult to tell when they had first met. It wasn’t as if either of them were sporting any obvious marks at the time. What he absolutely cannot excuse is the fact that he did not notice until shortly after his second attempt to eat Kaneki, when a dark bite mark had shown up between his shoulder and neck. He wouldn’t have even seen it if he hadn’t needed to remove his shirt to assess the damage to his arm.

He’d spent the next few minutes laughing at the cruel irony that of all the people on earth, his soulmate had to be the one that he wanted to eat the most.

֎

Naturally it’s concerning when his fingers start to turn black. Each has a slanting, ragged, black band around the base, and they aren’t healing as quickly as they’re supposed to. They’re strangely specific injuries as well, not like anything Kaneki would be getting in a fight. Since they appear regularly, they almost seem self-inflicted.

But that’s ridiculous, surely Kaneki wouldn’t cut his fingers off intentionally?

No, that couldn’t be it, besides he would need both hands to do that, and the bands look too neat to be from a kagune. So somebody else was doing it to him? But there weren’t any other wounds, other than the thick bands around his wrists, so he wasn’t fighting back.

Tsukiyama wondered why on earth anyone would want to do this to Kaneki. He didn’t seem like the type to make enemies; not like Tsukiyama who seems to have made a career out of making others dislike him. His lack of close contacts is the reason why he doesn’t find out about Kaneki’s time with Aogiri until it’s too late. Not that he wanted him to suffer unduly, but perhaps he could have amended for his past actions if he had rescued him earlier.

Kaneki is very blatantly different now, and although he swears to be his sword without hesitation (because he has been neglecting his duties as Kaneki’s soulmate recently) Tsukiyama can’t help but wonder if his loyalties are in the right place.

Kaneki’s group is one of the smallest he’s ever encountered, and it appears that their total number of capable fighters consist of five, six if Banjou is included, although his control over his kagune is frankly terrible. Consequently, most of Kaneki’s training sessions are done with Tsukiyama. As delighted as he is to be allowed even this much trust, Tsukiyama finds himself wondering if Kaneki truly hasn’t noticed yet. Any injuries he inflicts are in intentionally obvious places, and his previous doubts all but vanish when his marks appear to be identical in placement and shape.

So why hasn’t Kaneki brought it up?

He might have expected this silence from the Kaneki of a few months ago, who had been all shy smiles and politeness. That Kaneki probably would have found the matter too awkward or embarrassing to bring it up, but ever since he returned he had become quiet. This wasn’t the endearing quiet of before either, this sort of quiet scared Tsukiyama. It was the quiet that happened immediately after a bad argument, or before someone was about to scream at him. He could see Kaneki doing the latter but they rarely spoke at all unless Tsukiyama brought information. Well, _he_ certainly spoke quite a lot, but it was fairly frequently that Kaneki didn’t respond. He had seemed to like the books though, so maybe that was a step in the right direction.

Tsukiyama had promised himself that he wouldn’t broach the subject, no matter what his feelings were. They had changed, he could hardly deny that, from him wanting to eat Kaneki to something that he was adamantly labelling as ‘unknown’ for now, but he couldn’t be the one to begin that conversation. It had to be Kaneki who started that, because then it would at least be his responsibility if they devolved into fighting.

He was almost at the point of writing on his arm again, but he doubted that Kaneki would take too kindly to him doing that. It seemed unlikely, but maybe he remembered the message? Tsukiyama had only thought of it recently himself, but perhaps it would show him in a favourable light.

֎

His tears were spattering lightly on the slabs beneath him; little pieces of his soul that were now settling on the concrete. He had tried, one last time, to convince himself that Kaneki was food. It had been a half-hearted attempt at best. It was pathetic, in hindsight, but at the time he had been blinded by a desperate need for… something. He knew that he had been hoping for some sort of reconciliation, but beyond that there was just some sort of unlabelled desire for Kaneki.

He’d left before Tsukiyama could put a name to it.

It isn’t until Hori comes to help him get home, and she points out the ragged dark circles around his eyes, that he truly gives up. Kaneki is dead, and there is no possible alternative. From the other dark splotches that have been scattered liberally across his torso, it almost looks as if he’s been torn in half. The most comforting words come from Uta, of all people, although they had been given some time before the event. He had mentioned in passing that he had once survived a full decapitation, so for a few weeks, Tsukiyama is able to cling to some foolish form of hope. Still, as the violent lines faded (so, so slowly) he accepts the cruel reality that Kaneki is indeed gone.

֎

Naturally it comes as a surprise when the marks start appearing again, about a year later. Kaneki isn't alive, he can’t afford to think something so stupid after so long. Perhaps he has a new soulmate now? Not that he likes the idea (anyone else would seem like a hollow replacement) and he certainly doesn’t deserve this sort of second chance after how he treated his first soulmate. Whoever this new person is, they shouldn’t have to be stuck with him. Maybe it would be better if he just died?

He stops eating; each bite reminds him of his past mistakes, causing him to feel sick to the stomach. Sometimes he slips, gets too hungry or lashes out at one of the servants, but as long as he stays in his room, he thinks that the casualties will be limited. He takes to writing on his arm again, despite the obsessive efforts of those around him to prevent him from finding the knives. He isn’t too sure what they’re so worried about, he always cleans them. The first messages are fairly straightforward.

_I'm sorry_

_Don't look for me_

_You'll find someone else_

He doesn’t think that they've even noticed them, so it becomes an outlet. He scrawls his worries across his wrists: they remain silent. It's a one sided conversation until a few words appear at the top of his forearm.

_Why are you sorry?_

He blinks and more words appear.

_I haven’t even met you, what have you done?_

The words are fading quickly; it has to be a ghoul who he's talking to. There’s a hesitant knock at the door, and he hurls the knife under his bed. Whoever it is will still smell the blood, but he can’t do much more than cover up his scratches and hope that they don’t see them.

“Shuu-sama?”

Ah, Kanae.

“Yes?”

The door creaks open, spilling some cursed light into the room. A few of the bones in the corner gleamed (how were there so many?) and Kanae throws them a distasteful glance before walking towards the bed.

“Die maus, Hori-san, gave me this.” Kanae extended an envelope towards him. “she said that you needed to see it. Apparently it’s important.”

Tsukiyama slides the photograph into a shaking hand. He nearly chokes when he sees its subject.

“Tell me the details.”


	2. Chapter 2

Despite the fact that many people had called him an idiot in the past, Kaneki could fully recognise the irony of the large black tear across his chest. If he had been with his old friends (thinking about them all in past-tense was becoming a painful habit), Tsukiyama would probably have been the first to launch into an impassioned speech about how it represented a heart broken beyond repair, no doubt embellishing a ridiculous cocktail of nonsense-words with a series of increasingly elaborate hand gestures.

Which brought Kaneki back to the issue at hand.

He had yet to hear of another investigator with a ghoul for a soulmate, although to be fair it hardly seemed like it would be a bragging point. The vast majority of the CCG either didn’t have a soulmate, or had vowed not to get involved with theirs. Despite the lack of sensitivity, it had just become an accepted norm for the investigators and their soulmates. There were probably thousands of civilians who spent their lives with oddly-shaped bruise marks or kagune slashes sitting on the surface of their skin, only to never meet the person who had actually sustained these wounds.

Soulmates were considered a weakness. They could be used against you. Most importantly, your ability to perform as an investigator could be compromised if they were eaten. Not that this seemed to have an effect on the few investigators who had ignored the persistent prodding, if anything they had only shown improvement…

The less said about that; the better.

Kaneki was flipping through a hefty file on soulmate protocol, none of which addressed the potential of a ghoul soulmate to an extent which he would find useful. Beyond the usually recommended ‘protective custody’ in Cochlea, there were a few subheadings dedicated to explaining the perks of being an investigator in such a delicate situation. Nothing that Kaneki didn’t already know.

A piece of paper, old and softening at the edges, floated to the floor having escaped from the rings of the binder that Kaneki was holding. Curious, he propped the file on the closest shelf and crouched to pick it up, glancing over the scrawled annotations at its margins. The handwriting is too uneven for him to decipher without his glasses which, in a moment of obscurity, he had left in his office.

The paper vanished into the depths of his coat as he remembered that he was supposed to meet Furuta ten minutes ago.

֎

Sasaki Haise does not have a soulmate; that’s what Kaneki has been told by anyone who he had tried to ask in the past. So he keeps the black marks covered, and keeps his mouth shut. He doesn’t comment on the dark flashes that sometimes bolt across Mado-san’s legs (they’re always gone too quickly to be completely certain that they were even there), or when Urie stops taking his gloves off in public.

Instead he waits. And he listens.

There are ghosts in the twentieth ward, at least that’s what one excitable new recruit was telling a secretary over coffee. Bad enough that they have to hunt ghouls, he holds forth, but now the dead are rising from their graves? How much overtime do they expect him to give them?

The secretary giggles and steals a sip of his drink before telling him that he’s overreacting; it’s probably just some gang of kids who want to seem threatening.

Kaneki supresses his smile from the table beside theirs. Evidently someone at _:re_ has a sense of humour if that’s the name they’re operating under.

He hasn’t been back since he regained his memories. Not that he doesn’t want to, but it seems likely that they wouldn’t want him around if they’re planning something especially ambitious.

֎

As it turns out, ‘ambitious’ is nowhere near a strong enough word.

Yet somehow, against all odds, they’re alive.

֎

The building is large, though not as decrepit as Kaneki might have guessed from the outside. The lights inside were flickering and dim, but it was dry and clean-smelling. However, these were not the first things to catch Kaneki’s attention; stood to one side, managing the uncanny feat of looking both ragged, but astoundingly well put together given the circumstances, was Tsukiyama.

Kaneki softly cleared his throat to announce his presence, causing Tsukiyama to look up from the conversation he was having. He straightened his shoulders and walked towards the door with purpose, pausing when he reached the same level as Kaneki. He brought his hand up, allowing it to hover over Kaneki’s shoulder for a brief moment before apparently thinking better of touching him. Withdrawing the hand, he instead leaned in to Kaneki’s ear.

“When you’re available, we need to talk.”

֎

Kaneki first guessed that something was wrong when he noticed Ayato staring at him. They were approaching the room containing Amon’s tank.

“What is it?”

Ayato smirked.

“Probably a dumb thing to notice, don’t worry. Just something on your face. ”

Kaneki’s eyebrows furrowed as he brought his hand to his face; he couldn’t feel anything, but he supposed that it could be dirt from the fight earlier. Ayato shook his head.

“No, bit higher. It’s like this black splash over your eye. Wait, shit, is that a soulmate thing?”

A cold hand closed around Kaneki’s lungs.

“It could be.”

Ayato shook his head.

“Well, I’m sorry for your loss, I guess. Yours would’ve been human right?”

Kaneki’s mouth was dry as he replied.

“No, no they’re not human.” He clenched his hands to stop them trembling. “How big is the mark?”

Ayato indicated the size with his hands.

“Ah, okay. He’s survived worse.” Kaneki muttered, more as a reassurance to himself than the others. He turned back towards the room, “let’s get on with this.”

“Leave.”

Kurona came to a stop behind them.

“We don’t need you if you’ll be distracted. Me and him can handle Amon.”

Kaneki stared at her. “But-”

“Save it.” She shook her head, “I’m not completely filled in on anatomy, but that looks like it might be deep enough for brain damage. Your soulmate’s in a bad way, doesn’t matter if they’re a ghoul or not.”

Kaneki continued to stare, a gaze which she returned with a raised eyebrow.

“Take it from someone who’s lost theirs,” she gestured to her abdomen, “you don’t want to leave them alone right now.”

Kaneki barked out a laugh, “You would think I’d have learned that by now.”

֎

Kaneki hurtled through the doors of the base. A cluster of white-suits near the door immediately dropped into a combative stance, though they relaxed upon recognising Kaneki. One stepped forward.

“King.”

“Where are the injured?”

The other ghoul cocked his head. “You mean the people who were in the fight?” at Kaneki’s nod he carried on, “they mostly looked fine, but the ones that were hurt looked pretty messed up. One guy came in with an eye practically hanging out, I’m guessing he’s the one you want. He’s through there somewhere.”

Kaneki strode down the corridor until he reached a door which was hanging loosely on its hinges. Entering the room, Kaneki was greeted with the sight of Tsukiyama propped up against several pillows. His eye had been bandaged, but the parts of his face that were still visible appeared hollow and waxy. He glanced towards Kaneki, who was suddenly very aware that he had entered unannounced, with tired eyes.

“So,” Kaneki began, “would now be a convenient time to talk?”

“Very well,” Tsukiyama sighed, gesturing to his eye, “I suppose that you know now?”

“Yes, I know.” there was a prickly silence as it became clear that he was waiting for Kaneki to elaborate

“My memory as Sasaki” – at the name Tsukiyama flinched, Kaneki pretended not to notice – “is a little fuzzy but I wanted to ask you something. You don’t have to answer.”

“That depends on what the question is.”

Kaneki nodded. This wasn’t a subject that he particularly wanted to broach, especially when their relationship was so fragile but he needed answers.

“The words, they were you, right?”

Tsukiyama let out a breathless chuckle, although it was difficult not to notice that his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“I certainly hope so, we hardly need to make this even more complicated than it already is by dragging someone else into this mess.”

Kaneki allowed himself to laugh along with him; humourless and shallow. The quietness crept back into the room.

“That reminds me actually, how are your hands feeling?”

“Surprisingly normal, why?”

In answer, Tsukiyama slipped off his left glove to reveal a stained hand. “They seem to be healing slowly. I wouldn’t mind, but it’s been rather inconvenient to keep gloves on at all times.” He paused in thought for a moment. “What do you want to do about it? About us?”

“I’m not sure.”

“I think it might be better to leave the situation be for now. Things are a little strained at present.”

Kaneki nodded.

“Did you find anyone else while I was gone?”

At this, Tsukiyama snorted. “No, no I didn’t. I would rather not go into what I was doing in that time. Did you?”

“No,” Kaneki chuckled, “I was too busy most of the time. Besides, I don’t think any of the investigators would have been too eager to date a ghoul.”

Tsukiyama nodded, leant back onto the pillows and closed his eyes. “I’m sure that there is more we need to establish, but it escapes me right now.”

“I’m sure we’ll have time.” Kaneki sighed, “I’ll leave you for now, I’m sure there’s something I need to sort out.”

֎

“In retrospect, this might not have been a good idea.”

“It was the only option we had.”

Tsukiyama inclined his head in response.

Kaneki felt tentative fingers brush against the back of his hand, and he made his decision. He reached out and clasped them firmly. Tsukiyama stiffened momentarily at the contact and Kaneki made as if to pull away only to find his grasp returned. The noises outside were growing deafening.

“Will you be my sword again?”

Tsukiyama offered him a watery smile. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Hands still firmly clasped, they turned towards the door and walked out into the cacophony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not perfect I know but it's been too long (sorry) so here ya go. if anything occurs to me I'll edit it

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not 100% sure that this works but I’m a total sucker for soulmate AUs. Also I needed to put my head-canon about Hori spending ages on crude nicknames, and the one that members of the Tsukiyama household all call her ‘mouse’ in different languages (souris, maus, ratón etc.) somewhere.  
> There will be a follow-up chapter at some point, but I want to see a bit more of how :re goes before committing to any plot points (this thing only got published because its been sitting in a folder for so damn long and I'm reasonably happy with it up to this point even though I wrote all of this months ago). Also since said chapter will probably be post chapter 57 so Karren will be referred to as Karren, not Kanae, in that one if mentioned.
> 
> hmu on [tumblr](http://telwo.tumblr.com/)
> 
> http://telwo.tumblr.com/


End file.
